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Semper Paratus

How to Outfit Your Car to Avoid Type Three Fun
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Bonus “duh” list:

• Headlamp + extra batteries
• Ice scraper
• Bottle of water
• Tow straps
• Strong metal shovel
• Hand saw
• Some sort of tire brace for parking on icy hills
• Jumper cables
• Multi-tool
• Food (but not food, because, bears)
• Spiked foot thingies/ice cleats
• Warm hat and gloves

Do you know about the three types of fun?

Type one, or as I like to call it, angst-free fun, means everything goes according to plan and you wonder, “why the heck do I like doing this again?” very few times, if at all. Type two fun usually involves a mishap or two and perhaps a steeper-than-expected portion of the trail, but you get over it almost immediately. Type three fun is an oxymoron because it is, in fact, no fun at all — maybe you got lost on the trail and had to use bear scat for a pillow, or maybe you sat in traffic for so long that the ski resort was closed by the time you got there.

As you can expect, it is best to always strive for type one or two fun, but I am here to tell you a little secret — type three can (usually) be avoided with a little prep; think semi-annoying phrases like “no bad weather, just bad clothes” and “it builds character”. Below we outline some items for the ideal adventure car kit, chosen for both safety or an impromptu adventure. Some of these parts are more obvious than others (such as ice scraper and headlamp with extra batteries), some are unexpected.

1. A PIECE OF OLD CARPET (OR THE YOGA MAT YOUR EX LEFT AT YOUR HOUSE): The use for this mat is twofold. Primarily, it can be invaluable in helping get your tires to catch when you’re stuck in the snow. Secondly, the mat is your ski boots’ best friend when doing a quick parking lot suit up.

2. CAMP CHAIR: Because nobody likes a snowy swamp-a$$.

3. COOLER THAT FITS A SIX-PACK: Self explanatory, but please don’t drink and drive.

4. KITTY LITTER: In case you get the desire to adopt a kitten on your way home from The Chammy. Just kidding, kitty litter works to help create traction if your car is stuck. It also has the same effect as salt on your walkway. See Yesterday’s News cat litter made from recycled newspaper.

5. EXTRA WASHER FLUID: Because getting stuck behind a truck on 267 without washer fluid is dangerous.

6. BATTERY TO JUMPSTART A CAR (OR DEAD CELL PHONE): Car batteries are more likely to die in colder temperatures and, unfortunately, there isn’t always going to be someone around to help. You can also use this to charge your phone or to illuminate the glowing Rudolf nose on the front of your minivan.

7. BOOK TO READ WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC: The book can be substituted by a deck of cards, making your favorite podcast offline for 89’s dead zone, or your little brother’s old Nintendo Gameboy.

8. BLANKET: Hopefully the chances of your car breaking down and forcing you to spend the night snuggling with your center console are slim, but just in case, we suggest keeping a blanket in your car. The blanket could also work to keep you warm and cozy on your early morning commute.

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January 10, 2019